aristocrats joke script30 Mar aristocrats joke script
", T. Sean Shannon: "Well, you can't say that.". dvdsuper1. It does look hopeless,doesn't it? AND BAM! Duchess: Oh, and I'mso very glad we didthis morning. Duchess: Oh. This is what this joke is about anyway, it's about using your kids. Mark Elliott: Coming this summer from Walt Disney Pictures. Oh, thank goodness. July 28, 20058:25 PM. Edgar Balthazar:Duchess,wherever have you been? O'Malley:Well, now, wait a minute. So if you would be just so kind. A family walks in to a talent. All of a sudden the kid can't take it, diarrhea starts shooting out of his ass. You know Edgaris so fond of all of usand takesvery good care of us. I've had all the help I can take. Toulouse: Don't worry, mama, we will. A little lowerand faster there, buddy. [onscreen]Tell him O'Malley sent youand you won't have a bit of trouble. Even if the punchline was the 1%, the joke would. The more,the merrier. Why, there are a millionreasons why I should! Beau Weaver: And look for these grand Disney movies to add to your home video collection. Mussolini. [The Walt Disney Masterpiece Collection logo appears]. O'Malley: All right, step lively! And since it is a kids joke, i highly doubt it is a nonsensical joke (e.g. The horse blocks the road. Billy Boss: So? Criminiddly! He had one of the most iconic voices in hollywood, most. Roquefort: Duchess, kittens, gone? Marie: Oh noI wouldn'ttake up much room. Edgar, old chap, get used tothe finer things of life. Duchess: Oh, thank goodness. Georges Hautecourt: You haven't got an extra foot,have you, Edgar? They're too cutesy." [offscreen]You believe me,don't you? Ow! Napoleon: No, no. [Offscreen]Good riddance. O'Malley: Uh-huh, yeah. Amelia: And by the way, when we get to Paris,you must meet Uncle Waldo. Roquefort: Don't come in! Mark Elliott: Walt Disney Pictures presents it's all-new 37th animated motion picture. Haven'tyouforgotten something for Frou-Frou, darling? ". Woody: This is the perfect time to panic! I've got to getthose things back tonight. Another cat slides a hook under the harness. Genie: [sings] They're eventually getting married! Use your karate chop action! Kittens! Uncle Waldo: [Laughter]Now, now, now, now. Oh, l, I mean,even little Marie. Oh, what a horrible,horrible human! What's all the whis--whispering about, huh? Edgar Balthazar:Coming, Madame! You know. Multiplied by nine times. I never would have guessed. Oh, ooh, ooh! That'll be turning it on. Shun Gon: Shanghai, Hong Kong, egg foo young[ Laughing ]Fortune cookiealways wrongThat a hot one! Duchess? [Screen fades to reveal more clips] Aladdin and Jasmine's dreams are eventually coming true. Berlioz: I'm coming, Mama. They're eating dinner, and they just finish, and their maid comes in and she clears the plates. O'Malley: Aloha. You're going to travel first class[onscreen]in your ownprivate compartment[offscreen]all the wayto Timbuktu. Uhoh, yes. WebComedians don't tell jokes. Georges Hautecourt: Yes, yes! O'Malley:[offscreen]Hey, cool it, you little tiger. O'Malley:[offscreen]Move! This joke typically has these elementsalternative versions may change this form. Being British, I wouldhave preferred sherry. Duchess: [ Singing ]If you wantto turn me onPlay your hornDon't spare the toneAnd blow a little soulinto the tune, O'Malley: [ Singing ]Let's take itto another key, Scat Cat: [ Singing ]Modulateand wait for meI'll take a few ad-libsand pretty soon, O'Malley: [ offscreen; singing ]The other cats will all commenceCongregatin'on the fenceBeneath the alley'sonly light, Duchess: [ Singing ]Where every note isOut of sight. O'Malley: Keep your head up, Marie! Thieves! Toulouse. This is a family who are raping their own children, and performing bestiality! Madame Adelaide Bonfamille:My home for allthe alley cats of Paris. [Chuckling] Now this calls for another cracker. There are descriptions of foreskin and Popeye-like forearms. Duchess: Now, now, Thomas. [Smacking Lips]Delicious! Choo-choo-choo,choo-choo. Andy Richter: And the man says "The Aristocrats" [long pause] and did I mention that two of the men are probably Jews? [offscreen]Berlioz, here we are. Have you seen Gallagher? Choo-choo-choo-choo,choo-choo-choo-choo. I-l mean-- Well,I don't mean to interrupt. Amelia: What beautiful countryside,Abigail. The aristocrats is a terminal movie. Come along, dear. Frogs: [singing] There's so much to say, but we have all day. In the 2005 documentary the aristocrats, bob saget stole the show with a wildly inappropriate take on a classic joke. Roquefort:Oh, now, wait a minute,fellas. Sarah Silverman: Joe Franklin loved The Aristocrats. And come to think of it, O'Malley,you're not a cat, you're a rat. Yes! I-- I couldnever leave her. Scat Cat: Why, this is outrageous &crazy! [Hiccupping]Look. Mac:[offscreen]Yup, and she goesall the way to Timbuktu. Come on, guys. O'Malley: Hey, Scat Cat, dude! Winnie the Pooh! Not bad,eh, Frou-Frou old girl? Georges Hautecourt: Am I going too fast for you, Edgar? Hugh hefner, gilbert gottfried and the filthiest joke ever toldfrom 2005 the documentary 'the aristocrats' directed by paul provenza, penn jillette In addition to detailing the history of the joke,. O'Malley: Of course not. Oh, sorry, my dear. Madame Adelaide Bonfamille: Of course, Frou-Frou,I almost forgot. Duchess: Edgar did thisto us? Ooh! Uncle Waldo: Girls, it's outrageous! with the starsas our guide. Mm, ooh, oh, heh. [Whispering]Can you keep a secret? Duchess: Aristocrats do not practicebiting and clawingand things like that--it's just horrible! Duchess: Another flight intothe fantasy, Monsieur O'Malley? We need a man around the house. This script is a transcript that was painstakingly transcribed using the screenplay and/or viewings of the aristocrats. Duchess: Why, Mr. O'Malley,you are amazing! Napoleon: Wha-Wha--What's goin' on? Lafayette:Okay,man, let's charge. Now, you want to grow up to be lovely,charming ladies and gentlemen. Lafayette: I'm scratchin'as fast as I can. Isn't she, Duchess? Gilbert Gottfried - Aristocrats Joke. Come here, my darlings. [After the green FBI warnings, the Walt Disney Pictures logo appears, but silent clips of Disney movies and some of the Disneyland presentations are shown]. Madame Adelaide Bonfamille: Oh, indeed I do. Hugo, Victor and Laverne: [singing] A guy like you! That this one rudimentary joke could be done so many different ways and in different styles. In the South Park version, Cartman tells the other boys the joke his grandfather told him while at the school bus stop. That seems to make the whole joke. Girls! [ Grunting ]Go away! [gasps] Not me! Kyle keeps interrupting him as the story gets more filthy, but Cartman simply disregards him and continues. Are you sure we can'tget home tonight? The Aristocrats Sketch O'Malley:[offscreen]All right. That's better. Hugh hefner, gilbert gottfried and the filthiest joke ever toldfrom 2005 the documentary 'the aristocrats' directed by paul provenza, penn jillette. O'Malley: [Chuckles]Now that's quite a family. Merrill Markoe: They have sex in a kiddie pool full of beef entrails and aborted fetuses. Oh, no! [Grunting]Lafayette! Marie:[offscreen]Abraham de Lacy Giuseppe Casey! He sneaked upbehind me and tailgated me. It's not exactly the Ritz,but it's peaceful and quiet. And then my daughter comes on stage. Even if the punchline was the 1%, the joke would. Duchess: Oh, I'm so sorry, but,well, we just couldn't. Beda Tre. Dig thesefancy wigwams. Edgar Balthazar: What the?! Amelia: "Exactly"? Come on. That's 'causeI practice all the time. We give the first few rows garbage bags. Duchess: Oh, no more, please. Amelia: It's scandalous. I ain't done nothin'. Something horrible's happening! Which pets get to sleep on velvet mats? Whoo-whoo! And, Georges, we must be sure toprovide for their future little ones. [ Laughing ], Napoleon: You're not gonna believe this, man,but it's. Duchess: Now that will do, honey. They'll be gone. Duchess: [Laughs]"Old picklepuss who"? It's time to get rid of these cats all the way to Timbuktu once and for all. Come on. [Laughing]My two favorite nooses! Hello, kittens. Old picklepuss Edgar! Ah, Georges. Napoleon:I got a feelin' this caseis gonna bust wide open. Mr. O'Malley! Go! Sam:[offscreen]Well, Mac, this must be the trunk, eh? [offscreen] Now stop beatin'your gums and sound the attack! And the agent says, "Well, what do you call them?" Waldo's our uncle. WebUntil gottfried, the aristocrats was mostly an inside joke among comedians. Its an opportunity for the grossest part of a comics brain to go wild. I'm not at home at all. Berlioz? Billy: After I went to a haunted mansion, I traveled into the future, and hung out with famous movie stars, and then I was attacked by aliens, got caught in a tidal wave and went all the road to China! Even if the punchline was the 1%, the joke would. Edgar Balthazar: The police say it wasa professional, masterful job. It really is muchtoo heavy for you, Madame. Duchess:[ Sighing ]I don't know what to say. The Aristocrats is a fascinating essay on the nature of stand-up. Bonsoir! Duchess:Berlioz, come back here. We must both lookour best for Georges when he gets here. Lafayette: I still say it wasa little old cricket bug. Scat Cat:What's a little swinger like youdoin' on our side oftown? What made them think that this this was entertaining? Bob Saget: Can I get a copy of this? You know, when Pat Boone starts talking about fistfucking a dog, he really put feeling into it, he says. "The Aristocrats Quotes." These pesky pets of mine will never come back. The Aristocrats. Cats:Everybody, everybodyEverybody wantsto be a cat, Berlioz: [ Sighing ]Everybody wantsto be a cat, Marie: Because a cat'sthe only catWho knowswhere it's at. Take your time to read those puns and riddles where you ask a question with answers, or where the setup is the punchline. So much likeour own dear England. [Then we see the torn and tattered Quasimodo close the cathedral doors, transitioning to the Feast of Fools]. Huh? Gives birth to a three-pound Shetland pony! And poor Madamedidn't sleep a wink either. O'Malley:Over there! Why, you won't believewhat they tried to doto your poor old Uncle Waldo! Duchess:[offscreen]Oh, never mind, Marie. I do believeyou've been drinking. Sorry, it was half Let's getout of here. Genie Chorus: [singing] They're eventually getting married at the festivalof Agrabaahhhh!!!! Next She will be so worriedwhen she finds us gone. They're the startof my new foundation. It's just, "Here we go folks.". The joke ends with the agent asking what the bizarre act is called, and the family replies the aristocrats. Edgar Balthazar: Morning, Frou-Frou,my pretty steed. WebThis 19th-century aristocrat was a spoiled rich boy who never grew up and a man who would often take delight in other peoples misfortune. Aristocrats no longer exist, or at least theyre not called aristocrats. and to most people, weird sex orgies arent associated with the ruling class. Toulouse: Females never fiight fair. Marie: Oh! [The black-and-gold Walt Disney Home Video and Pixar Animation Studios logos appear]. Madame Adelaide Bonfamille:Thank you. (The gargoyles burst their heads out from three sides of a window). We British liketo keep things proper. In 2005, bob saget, who died sunday, was still americas dad the sweet. [offscreen] Lafayette,what in tarnation you trying to do!? This article is about the offensive joke known as "The Aristocrats". Duchess: Perhaps! - The "Aristocrats." Jasmine: [singing] We're eventually getting married! I'll saywhen it's the end. Ooh, it's them shoes again. Backtrack a little. My bad. Lafayette:How come you always grabthe tender part for yourself, man? A very enthusiastic--. This joke was met with boos and jeers of "too soon." Georges Hautecourt:Adelaide,what's that music? 4:04. the father shakes his head, no, no. Berlioz:[offscreen]Aw, shut up, Toulouse. Duchess:Oh, no, no. Madame Adelaide Bonfamille: So good to see you, Georges. Napoleon:[offscreen]Hush your mouth. While Madame and Georges are asleep. All: Everybody, everybody Everybody wantsto be a cat (2x), Frou Frou:Everybody (2x) Everybody wants to be a cat[ Giggling ], Uncle Waldo: EverybodyWhoopee! Maybe it would come out right now as an [after Wendy Liebman describes a normal family act]. O'Malley: Lay some skin on me,Scat Cat. Uh-oh. Clickety. He was like our rehearsal director when dad and my brother weren't there, and my mother and my nana weren't there. Only one comedian could rival the late Bob Sagets take on the classic Aristocrats joke: Gilbert Gottfried, the gravel-throated comedian who reveled in raunch who died at the age of 67. "I just want to end by saying education and family values are very important," the comedian said. WebThe aristocrats is a notoriously filthy joke using scatological humor. I'm doin' fine! Scat Cat:Mousy, you just struck out. "Oh, we're N*gger C*nts. Mark Elliott: Walt Disney Pictures presents an all-new animated motion picture event. Why, I'll, I'll eatmy hat if they-- My hat! Now what's the hang-up,your ladyship? Absolutely. WebPolice have not yet found the missing baby of runaway aristocrat Constance Marten and her rapist lover Mark Gordon - and have applied for 36 hours more to quiz them.. Duchess Oh, how nice. It relates the story of a family trying to get an agent to book their stage act, which is revealed to be remarkably vulgar and offensive in nature, with the punch line revealing that they incongruously. [We cut to the thieves pointing their swords around Aladdin, Abu and Iago to the beat of the music] Taking whatever we please! Frogs: [singing] Ribbit, croak, needeep, croak, ribbit. [offscreen] Maybe we'd betterfind another place, huh? Georges Hautecourt: [voice] To your cats? O'Malley: You know something? I'll take careof you later. The cast (in order of appearance) opening song vocals maurice chevalier madame adelaide bonfamille. [onscreen]Heave-ho! Why, oh why, is he allowing this to happen?, Editors picks WebThe Aristocrats "The Aristocrats" (also called "The Debonaires" or "The Sophisticates" in some tellings) is a taboo-defying off-color joke that has been told by numerous stand-up Edgar Balthazar: Of course, Madame. This is the second theatrical appearance of South Park. Will you hold on, please! Duchess:No, not at all. Amelia: Sir. If we're going to Paris ourselves, why don't youjoin us? For those who are new and are wondering about why this was necessary, read the shift in editing starting March 1st blog. I say, that's not at all bad. In its most-basic form, a family goes to see a talent agent, performs their actwhich is comprised of disgusting depravityand once they finish, [Screen fades to black and the movie starts], Singer: Which pets' addressis the finest in Paris? So dysfunctional, it defies description. because in a joke that's what happens. You ready? Uncle Waldo: [Mumbling,Sighing &Hiccupping]. The cat runs to the stable door and locks it. I heard them! They got rubber feet. He hit me on the head. Bye. I simplywish to have the cats inherit first. All thoselittle kittens of yours, Duchess. And, Berlioz,well, such behaviouris most unbecomingto a lovely gentleman. Doug Stanhope: With this bleeding anus splattering on the crowd. I'm still tryin'to get to SHORE! Edgar Balthazar: Must be round here somewhere. 0. She goes, "Well, my sister plays the cello. Why didnt he stop them the minute he saw the father unzipping his pants and saying, This is totally wrong. But where? And so, you see,we can't leave her alone. Ooh. Now don't panic. Well, there it is. Duchess: (offscreen)Oh, yes, Monsieur O'Malley. You take this position. They're old buddiesand they're real swingers. Roquefort: Oh, please! Revisit bob sagets take on the aristrocrats, one of the filthiest jokes. This little guy's on the level. How could I forget him? I'm the one that sayswhen we go. Frogs: [singing] Needeep, croak, ribbit, croak, needeep. I guess youcan't win 'em all. How are you doing that? Roquefort: [Sniffiing]Mm! O'Malley: Well, humans don't really worrytoo much about their pets. Pretty soon, all of them are completely naked including the dog, who takes his leash off.. Nice goin; Toulouse. Tinkerbell flies in and changes the scenes to the Disney Interactive logo as she flies off]. Edgar, come quickly! I'm the leader! I know it's Georges. Oops! And, uh, let's see. Duchess:[offscreen]Berlioz, shh! Abigail: And you, dear,you take this place. Lafayette: Hey, Napoleon! Marie: But, mama, do wehave sparklingsapphire eyes that dazzle too? Away! Toulouse: Hey, guys. Quasimodo: Good morning. Lafayette: Napoleon, I'm plumbgoose-pimply scared! I wouldlike to see your pad,and meet your friend Scat Cat. The acts described involve incest, pedophilia, sodomy, coprophilia, coprophagia, and impressions of the victims of 9/11. George carlin shares his version of the aristocrats joke. [Chuckling][Giggling, Groaning]Mm-mm. Madame Adelaide Bonfamille: [voice]No, no, no, Georges. They get the- towait. [Clips of "The Many Adventures of Winnie the Pooh" are shown]. [After the Walt Disney Pictures logo, we fade to a black background]. Berlioz: Just a nickname I gave you, "Roque-fort"? And that's the act. Now [Silent clips of "Aladdin 3" are shown, starting with Aladdin riding Magic Carpet, and Genie flying next to him as they enter Agrabah] Walt Disney Pictures invites you to a celebration. Right? Oh! You remember him,of course. Please,you must stop that. [ Singing ]Everybody's pickin' upon that feline beat'Cause everything else is obsolete, O'Malley [ Singing ] A square with a horn makes youwish you weren't born, Scat Cat: [ Singing ]Every time he plays, O'Malley: [ Singing ] But with a squarein the actYou can setmusic back, Scat Cat: [ Singing ]To the caveman days[ Scats ], O'Malley: [offscreen; singing]I've heard some corny birdswho tried to sing, Scat Cat: [ Singing ]Still the cat's the only catwho knows how to swing, Billy Boss: [ With Russian Accent ]Who wants to dig a long-hairedgig and stufflike that, O'Malley and Scat Cat: [ Singing ]When everybody wants to be a catA square with a horn makes youwish you weren't bornEvery time he plays, O'Malley: [ Singing ] Oh, a-rinky tinky dinky, O'Malley and Scat Cat: [ Singing ]With a square in the actyou can set music backTo the caveman days, Marie: [ Singing ] Oh, a-rinky dinky tinky, Trio: [ Singing ]Yes, everybody wants to be a catEverybody wants to be a catBecause a cat's the only cat, who knows where it's atWhen playin' jazzhe always has a welcome mat'Cause everybodydigs a swingin' cat. Edgar Balthazar: Oh, they won't find a clueto implicate me. They showaristocatic bearing. ln trouble! Stop! Frou-Frou: Oh, Roquefort, I've beenso worried about you. Roquefort:[ Panting ] Mr.O'Malley, I've heard your name. O'Malley:Yeah, honey. Please? It's very niceof you. They're Oxford shoes. Duchess: Oh, c'est tres jolie,monsieur. Title of infamous joke without a punchline. O'Malley: Trouble? Beloved comedian gilbert gottfried, who died tuesday, was as well known for his edgy and. Get out! [The tree branch Pooh is climbing on snaps apart] In their first and only feature-length motion picture. Mark Elliott: With it's all-new 37th animated motion picture! [ Sighing ], Lafayette: Well, shootfire, man. Toulouse hisses and spits], Toulouse: [Snarling,Hissing]Meow! I'm gonna call it The Aristocrats. Nice doggy! Buzz Lightyear: [Closes his wrist communicator] This is no time to panic. You have Penn Jillette: What do you call an act like that? Lafayette: Oh, cricket bugsdon't wear shoes, man. The 2005 film The Aristocrats documented the history of the joke, which was so filthy that comedians traditionally told it backstage at clubs rather than in the spotlight. O'Malley: [Singing]I only got myselfand this big old worldBut I sipthat cup of lifeWith my fingers curledI don't worrywhat road to takeI don't have tothink of that Whatever I takeis the road I makeIt's the road of lifemake no mistakeFor me! [Hugo keeps spitting as Victor now comes to life]. ". Scat Cat: [ Chuckling ] Say! Bob Saget: There's my friend Paul and right now I'm looking at his dinger. Duchess: Oh, no! Madame Adelaide Bonfamille: There now, Duchess. Ooh. Duchess: Oh, Thomas, that was really brave of you. He eats stuff off her face. Ready, everyone? Edgar Balthazar: Ah, good day, sir. Waving a scythe, Edgar chases O'Malley up a ladder. I just thought of that and that's unbelievable. Oh, oh--Oh, Uncle Waldo,you're just too much. [The mouse clicks the light switch, which makes the room dark. [ Chuckles ]Not as spry as I waswhen I was 80, eh? Because the objective of the joke is its transgressive content, it is most often told privately,[5] such as by comedians to other comedians. The Aristocats! Call the cops! Ooh. Madame Adelaide Bonfamille:Now, my pets,a little closer together. Mark Elliott: Coming to video. It's a totally different show. Where's my hat? Lafayette:This sure beats runnin', Napoleon. Lafayette:Well, c'est la guerre,Napoleon. (oc) the agent says, holy fuck, not you asshats again. I've never seen you three here before. Abigail: Gracious me. Madame Adelaide Bonfamille:Oh, it's no use, Edgar. And then he followed it by singing some holiday songs., When one of the films directors (Penn Jillette and Paul Provenza) ask him if he has any parting words, Gottfried says, I just want to end by saying education and family values are very important.. Madame Adelaide Bonfamille:That's exactlywhat they are, Georges. No, it's less than that. O'Malley:Yeah. Berlioz: Oh, boy! This-- Well, this mansion? Because with usshe never felt alone. Mark Elliott: Lead Aladdin into his biggest adventure ever. Its an opportunity for the grossest part of a comics brain to go wild. That was very nice of you. Just we two. Right? Berlioz: Hey, do you really havea magic carpet, Monsieur O'Malleysir? [The movie logo appears one last time] "The Many Adventures of Winnie the Pooh". Georges Hautecourt:[Chuckles] Of course. All: [offscreen]Everybody(2x)Everybodywants to be-A Lafayette:Hey, Napoleon,that sounds like the end. Edgar Balthazar: Your favorite dishprepared a very special way. I wanna go home! Abigail: Oh, dear! [Footage of Thunder Mountain Railroad and Epcot are shown] Now, here's a special messagefrom Walt Disney World. I've only got one. O'Malley: Duchess, If I can live with you, will you marry me? Gee! Amelia: And don't worry about form, sir. You eitherare or you're not. O'Malley:[offscreen]That was justa lucky break for me, baby. I'll see ya down stream. Now, you go for the tires, Laffy and I'll goright for the seat of the problem. "Moe, Larry, the cheese!" Abigail & Amelia: [ Laughing ] [offscreen]That's stick together. Young cat. Oh, that's thatfamous restaurant.
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